by Hank Leukart
January 29, 2010

Falling in love with a teenage vampire cardboard cutout

Trying to understand the Twilight phenomenon on a Forks, Washington tour.

Twilight fans photograph the Pacific Ocean on First Beach in La Push, Washington.

Twilight fans photograph the Pacific Ocean on First Beach in La Push, Washington.

This is the second essay in a two part series about my trip to Forks, Washington on the Olympic Peninsula. Read the first essay for the whole story.

F

ORKS, Washington — After eating breakfast adjacent to an enormous elk’s head in the Forks Coffee Shop the next morning, Rich, Wendy, and I head outside — through a door reading “Add your name to the Twilight wall of fame!” — jump into our Twilight road trip minivan, and drive toward Olympic National Park. We’re standing, in the pouring rain, at the trailhead for Cape Alava Trail, a 9-mile loop that takes hikers through dense, temperate rain forest to the Olympic Peninsula’s shore. In rain jackets and pants, we walk under a canopy of 200-foot tall, moss-covered Douglas Fir trees, until we reach a break in the forest. A powerful, freezing sheet of rain pounds us in the face, and we look out at untouched, prehistoric-looking coastline, with rocky, white sand beaches littered with dark, massive old-growth driftwood and a restless ocean surface broken by rain-drenched sea stacks sprinkled with green grass.

In Twilight, the Olympic Peninsula’s constant rain plays a major role, reinforcing Bella’s consistently dour mood. As Bella yearns for Edward’s attention, she describes Forks as “literally [her] personal hell on Earth” and complains that the rain “[makes] it dim as twilight under the [forest] canopy and [patters] like footsteps across the matted earthen floor.” She describes the Pacific Ocean as “dark gray, even in the sunlight.” She finds that the only way she can escape the dismal weather is through her lust, and eventually her love, for Edward. As the rain continues to pelt us and Wendy and Rich get ahead of me, I find myself empathizing with Bella. I can imagine how hiking in the rain could be a lot better with a devastatingly sexy female vampire. Well, minus the vampire part, I guess.

After our hike, we stop for dinner at Pacific Pizza, where I eat Bellasagna — which, you might be able to guess, is lasagna with a Twilight-themed name. Everything we see in Forks is Bellasagna: everyday objects rechristened in a half-assed attempt at a Twilight tie-in without any meaningful follow-through. I wonder if maybe these superficial attempts are a more accurate reflection of the book than I realize — I feel like I’m surrounded by perfunctory effort and teenage malaise.

After we eat, we decide to visit the Mill Creek Bar and Grill, where a Scottish singer-songwriter sings Bob Dylan’s “Blowin’ in the Wind,” Johnny Cash’s “Riders in the Sky,” and Warren Zevon’s “Werewolves in London,” all with changed, Twilight-themed lyrics. His new lyrics are underwhelming. But, by the end of the night, I’m embarrassed to admit that Rich, Wendy, and I are humming the chorus to “Werewolves in Forks.”

On the way back to our bed and breakfast, Wendy explains the plot of Breaking Dawn in the car: “After Bella and Edward get married, Edward has sex with Bella so violently that she is knocked unconscious,” Wendy says. It appears that she has become a diehard Twilight fan overnight. “Suddenly, Bella is pregnant, and her girl vampire-human baby becomes so strong that she breaks Bella’s ribs and spine. Edward decides to rip open Bella’s stomach with his teeth to save Bella and the baby. When the baby’s finally out, Jacob, who was previously in love with Bella, falls in love with Bella’s baby instead.”

“Jacob falls in love with a baby?!” I ask in disbelief. “That is the most insane piece of abstinence-only education that I have ever heard.”

The next morning, the three of us, a family with a 12-year-old daughter, and a Twilight-obsessed 22-year-old woman named Jenny with her husband in tow, meet for a guided Twilight tour outside Dazzled by Twilight, the town’s largest Twilight souvenir shop. Travis, our guide, directs us to a Dazzled by Twilight tour bus (license plate: “DAZZLE1”). Gloomy songs from the Twilight movie soundtracks emanate from the bus’s speakers while Travis tells us that Forks residents used to be mostly loggers. But these days, he says, the town’s economy is kept afloat by the nearby Clallam Bay and Olympic Corrections Centers and tourists visiting to see Twilight sights and the Olympic National Park. Then, he takes a passenger poll to find out who is on Team Edward and who is on Team Jacob. (Twilight fans tend to divide themselves into two camps — pro-vampire or pro-werewolf — though some choose to remain on Team Switzerland.)

“Team Edward!” I yell, because, well, I’m trying to fit in. I don’t really know what team I am on, or should be on, but I decide that I don’t want be on the team with a dude who’s in love with an infant. Twilight super fan Jenny looks at me, disgusted. Apparently she’s on Team Jacob — and feels very strongly about it.

Then, Travis stops the bus outside a small, nondescript house.

“This is Bella’s house,” he says. Except, it isn’t, because Bella is a fictional character and never actually lived in Forks. Even the Twilight movies weren’t actually filmed in Forks. The only reason we’re stopping at this house is because the Forks Chamber of Commerce designated it Bella’s house.

It’s Bellasagna.

I notice that ice skates are hanging next to the door, and I say that this seems strange, since Bella’s character is famously clumsy and nonathletic. Jenny, who previously decided that she hated me for being on Team Edward, suddenly heartily agrees with me. Somehow, I’ve won her over.

Our tour continues in this manner, with Travis taking us to “The Cullen House,” “Jacob’s house,” Forks City Hall (“Where Charlie, Bella’s dad, works!”), the Forks Community Hospital (“Where Dr. Cullen works!”), and Forks High School. We even visit the Forks Timber Museum, where the Forks Chamber of Commerce has parked a replica of Bella’s red 1953 Chevrolet pickup truck (license plate: “BELLA”). The delighted teenage girl and Jenny have their photos taken in front of every attraction. Rich, Wendy and I do too. I feel like I’m in a college semiotics seminar, in which a professor blows every student’s mind by explaining that we live in a postmodern world filled with floating signifiers. Meanwhile, Travis keeps driving our tour bus to signifiers — but when we get out of the bus to look around, I realize that nothing means anything. Bellasagna is everywhere. The rain continues, drenching us, with no signs of sunshine. I feel like a confused teenager, disconnected and lost. I start to wonder if Travis’s Twilight tour is working on me in a way I had never expected.

Travis drives us to the (real) Quillayute Indian Reservation, with Anya Marina’s melancholy song Satellite Heart, from the The Twilight Saga: New Moon movie soundtrack, oozing through the tour bus. (Don’t miss this totally emo video for it.)

I’m a satellite heart
Lost in the dark
I’m spun out so far
You stop, I start
But I’ll be true to you.

As I listen, the song makes me think of the hundreds of women, camped out on a Los Angeles sidewalk in November, flirting with me. I think that maybe I’m starting to understand Twilight better. Adults mock young love lust because it seems so overwrought, so unsophisticated, and so naked. But Twilight seems to suggest that maybe adults are wrong — maybe love is the exclusive playground of the young and unjaded. Maybe Edward and Bella have to stay teenagers forever because that’s the only way love can exist forever.

(Then again, maybe Stephanie Meyer is just trying to remind teenagers that if they have unprotected sex, they may end up creating super babies that break girls’ spines. Her message is not totally lucid.)

When Travis drives us across the Treaty Line, where the Quillayute Reservation’s land begins, we all get out of our tour bus and go into a small restaurant, which has cinnamon rolls and hot chocolate waiting for us. Inside, standing next to the restaurant’s “Twilight Menu” (which includes the Bella Banana Split), we see cardboard cutouts of Edward Cullen and Jacob Black (represented by Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner). Jenny grabs the cutout of Edward, squeals, brings him over to her table, and demands to have her picture taken with him, I mean, it. I watch, in utter shock, because I’m positive she was a member of Team Jacob.

“I felt bad for Jacob, because no one went with his team,” she explains apologetically. “But, really, I’m in love with Edward.”

Then, in my weekend’s strangest moment, I see her gaze deeply into the golden eyes of the cardboard cutout of a teenage vampire.

You know that glow of longing you only see behind a young woman’s eyes when she really, really loves someone? That’s what I saw. For a moment, they were two teenagers.

Maybe the glow was ironic.

Without Baggage thanks Dazzled by Twilight for generously donating Breaking Dawn tour tickets.

Comments

  • February 5, 2010, 10:08 PM

    cait

    Not that your description of Breaking Dawn wasn't (painfully) clear, but I had to resort to a plot outline from my 16-year-old's girlfriend about what the H-eee-double hockey sticks you were talking about. Her increasingly breathless account of Jacob's (non-sexual, she emphasized; "he can't help it; he's a werewolf!") was highly entertaining and served as an excellent deterrent to anything Twilight-related, as did-of course-your essay. Thanks for falling on that literary grenade for our amusement. You rawk, as always.

  • February 9, 2010, 3:05 PM

    Hank Leukart

    Hey, Cait! I'm glad you liked it. I have to admit that, somehow, Twilight has continued to take hold of us. Wendy, Rich, and I went on a big road trip this past weekend (more to come), and the baby-biting-stomach thing came up more than once. Every time it comes up, we all kind of laugh nervously that we're STILL talking about Twilight, weeks after our Forks trip! Thanks for being such a loyal reader.

  • February 9, 2010, 4:36 PM

    Diana Hossfeld

    Yep, this confirms it. Twilight fans are crazy.

  • March 1, 2010, 3:30 PM

    Chastity

    This made me laugh. As a matter of record though, I must point out that Jacob is not *in* love with Renesmee the baby, he's her protector and loves her...with the assumption that one day she'll probably fall *in* love with him. And second, that Bella didn't get knocked out during this violent coitus, but rather, had lots of sex and passed out exhausted, only to wake up and find out that she had a *few* bruises she doesn't remember even getting because she's a sexaholic freak. =) Peace!

  • March 1, 2010, 3:30 PM

    Chastity

    For the record....you ARE hot.

  • March 2, 2010, 1:47 PM

    Hank Leukart

    Chastity: Look, all I know is that loving an infant with the assumption that she will eventually fall in love with you is totally weird. I have no idea how they are going to make that book into a movie without scandalizing superprude America. As for your second comment, well, all I can say is that I'm embarrassed and flattered.

  • March 16, 2010, 7:44 PM

    Lindsey

    I'll admit I'm a fan of Twilight (and I am not a teen nor middle-aged!) I love the series and may take my liking for the books a bit too far but one thing is certain.. you were completely on-point with this story and I loved every bit of it. It kept me laughing the entire time! I actually do plan to visit Seattle and Forks this summer so I look forward to comparing our trips! Thanks for sharing!

  • March 16, 2010, 8:10 PM

    Hank Leukart

    Lindsey: Kudos for admitting that you're both a fan and not a tween. I'm glad you enjoyed the story of our hilarious trip! Take some fun friends for your trip in the summer, and I'm sure you'll have a great time. But if you've found that only teens have a monopoly on love, you also may want to bring a cardboard cutout with you on the trip. You know, as a stand-in boyfriend for your tour. :) Have fun.

  • April 20, 2010, 3:00 PM

    David Webb

    Love it! La Push is actually one of the best surfing spots in the pacific Northwest, and for anyone in Vancouver or Seattle, it's easier to get to than Vancouver Island's Long Beach.

  • June 12, 2010, 5:24 PM

    sapphire

    I was actually a twilight hater until my friend got me to read the whole series in five days. Now I'm heavily addicted and it's been a year ;I can honestly say I never read anything like it.

  • March 5, 2011, 9:09 PM

    A. loftus

    Im also a non tween,but a 29,(do not be rude and say im middle aged)year old massive fan,i live in ireland and have plans for my summer to head to the states and most defo do the twilite tour!! iM TEAM EDWARD with out a doubt,I just think robert pattinsons a very handsum guy,but as i dont no him personally..I will admit I to am in love with the teenaged dream of the perfect gentleman EDWARD CULLAN!! your essay was great thanks,your a funny and talanted writer!! I to can not get my head around the imprinting on a baby story either,then again it is fantasy fiction,how can a 70 sumtin vampier still father children..should his genetic functions that he needs to procreate be well and truely dead at his age??not sayn 70sumting men can not father children...but hes not human anymore,sothat part has me lost to!! anyway..to cut a long story short I LOVE EDWARD CULLAN,and ill countinue to be glued to the movies ,ive watched them countless times,and read the books to ,so thank you for your insite on your tour!!

  • January 22, 2012, 12:26 AM

    Kristina

    Im planning on taking my daughter to Forks, WA, we are going to fly into seattle and drive to forks, any advice ? Thanks

  • February 22, 2012, 4:22 PM

    Hank Leukart

    Take a rain jacket and do some hiking if you're so inclined! The beaches and the beach hiking are beautiful!

  • April 11, 2012, 9:56 PM

    Skylar

    Hank, I just read this and was laughing so hard I was crying. Thank you for your humorous tale of this trip. As always, love hearing about your adventures!

  • September 1, 2015, 12:58 PM

    c'est moi

    thank you! thank you! thank you!!! i've been reading your blog for the last two days since returning to america after spending over a year travelling abroad and i am finally laughing and smiling again. i laughed hardest reading this Twilight account of yours and my favorite part is the moment you see the glow in the young woman's eyes when she's staring at the cardboard boy. -cm

Waves crash onto First Beach in La Push, Washington.

Waves crash onto First Beach in La Push, Washington.

Bella’s red, 1953 Chevrolet pickup truck sits outside the Forks Chamber of Commerce.

Bella’s red, 1953 Chevrolet pickup truck sits outside the Forks Chamber of Commerce.

A sign marks the start of the Quillayute Indian Reservation in Forks, Washington.

A sign marks the start of the Quillayute Indian Reservation in Forks, Washington.

A cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen (a.k.a. Robert Pattinson) stands behind a restaurant menu in Forks, Washington.

A cardboard cutout of Edward Cullen (a.k.a. Robert Pattinson) stands behind a restaurant menu in Forks, Washington.

Tourists walk outside the Dazzled by Twilight store in Forks, Washington.

Tourists walk outside the Dazzled by Twilight store in Forks, Washington.

Souvenir T-shirts hang in the Dazzled by Twilight store in Forks, Washington.

Souvenir T-shirts hang in the Dazzled by Twilight store in Forks, Washington.

A Travel Guide to Forks, Washington

  • DIRECTIONS: Forks, Washington is about a four and a half hour drive from Seattle, Washington. You can get to Forks by driving on I-5 North to Edmonds, taking the car ferry from Edmonds to Kingston, and then taking WA-104 to US-101 to Forks. If you prefer, you can avoid taking a ferry by driving south around the Puget Sound by taking I-5 South to WA-16 to WA-3 to WA-104 to US-101 to Forks, though depending on traffic and the ferry schedule, this can take longer.
  • LODGING: In Forks, the Miller Tree Inn (a.k.a. The Cullen House, $105-$205) is the best place to stay for Twilight fans. The owners are remarkably friendly, the charming, comfortable house is filled with Twilight memorabilia, and the gingerbread pancakes with lemon sauce served for breakfast are worth the price of the room alone. If your budget is tight, you can also try the Forks Motel ($58-$150). This no-frills motel has spacious, comfortable rooms more than worth their price.
  • TWILIGHT SIGHTSEEING: Tourists can easily visit all of these sights on their own (see the Without Baggage Twilight-sights map). However, for $39 per person, Dazzled by Twilight will take fans on a Forks tour, complete with hot chocolate and a cinnamon roll. The sightseeing is irrelevant; the real fun is being trapped in a tour bus with a gaggle of Twilight fans singing along to the movies’ soundtracks. For diehard fans (though probably not for reluctant tagalongs), the experience is worth the price.
    1. “Forks Welcomes You” Sign (seen on US-101 on the way into town): You’ll be sure to run into some tweens and their moms when you go to take photos here.
    2. The Cullen House (a.k.a. The Miller Tree Inn) (654 E Division St.): You can see Twilight memorabilia through the windows if you’re not staying here, but the fun is in the charming rooms and their yummy breakfast.
    3. Forks City Hall and Police Department (500 E Division St.): Tourists can take pictures in front of the “Forks City Hall” sign outside and the “Police Department” door in the lobby; there is also a small Twilight souvenirs display inside.
    4. Forks High School (411 S. Spartan Ave.): Twilight fans can take photos with the sign in front of the school, but be warned: the school doesn’t look like anything seen in the movies.
    5. Forks Outfitters (950 S. Forks Ave.): Lots of Twilight merchandise is available here, the place where Bella works part-time in the novels. You can also pick up Forks and Forks High School T-shirts and hoodies.
    6. Bella’s Truck (Forks Chamber of Commerce, 1411 South Forks Ave.): The Forks Chamber of Commerce purchased a 1953 Chevrolet pickup truck, painted it red, added a “BELLA” license plate, and left it for photographs outside the Forks Visitor Center.
    7. Bella’s House (775 K St.): The Forks Chamber of Commerce designated this two-story house Bella’s and Charlie’s. It’s just a house.
    8. Forks Community Hospital (530 Bogachiel Way): In the novels, Dr. Carlisle Cullen works here and Bella is taken here after Tyler almost drives into her with his car. You’ll see a “Dr. Cullen: Reserve Parking Only” sign here.
    9. Dazzled by Twilight store (11 N. Forks Ave.): Here’s where you can pick up a Twilight T-shirt (or a bumper sticker, or cardboard cutout of Robert Pattinson).
    10. Treaty Line (7760 La Push Rd.): Here, a “No Vampires Beyond This Point” sign designates the start of the Quillayute Indian Reservation.
    11. First Beach in La Push (drive west on La Push Rd. until you can’t drive anymore): This is the setting of Bella’s trip to the beach with her high school friends, and it’s where she learns the history of the feud between vampires and werewolves from Jacob. More importantly, this stretch of coastline is one of the most beautiful sights in Washington State.
    12. Bella Italia (118 E. 1st. St., Port Angeles): Edward takes Bella to this (real) restaurant in Port Angeles, Washington in the first novel. Fans can even order the same mushroom ravioli that Bella orders in the book ($17, dinner only).
  • HIKING: If you go to Forks only to see Twilight-related sights, you’re missing the real point of Forks: it’s a gateway to wilderness. Hiking in nearby Olympic National Park should not be missed. If you have a few days, try backpacking the 3-day, 20-mile trail down Washington’s stunning coastline from Lake Ozette to Rialto Beach. As an added bonus, First Beach (just south of Rialto) is the setting of Bella’s high school beach trip. If an overnight hike is too ambitious for you, try the 9-mile Cape Alava Trail, which still gives hikers a taste of Washington’s temperate rain forest and coastline. View my route and download the Without Baggage Cape Alava Trail GPS track in GPX or KML format.
  • SKIING, SNOWBOARDING, AND SNOWSHOEING: If you’re visiting Forks in the winter, you shouldn’t miss a chance to ski, snowboard, or snowshoe at Hurricane Ridge, a beautiful mountainous area inside Olympic National Park.